Because my brother thinks im angry all the time

I feel i should vent a lil
I experenced such a hell of an emotional rollar coaster the past few month, its taken a toll on both my body and spirit. Constant paranoia, confusion, hostility, and bitterness would just slap me over day by day.
I wake up each morning, feeling used, left out, uncared for, and doing nothing but just trying to live the day through.
My thoughts are constantly filled thinking about people, wondering how they are doing, if i should talk to them today, if i should do this and that with them
I think all this through, and I still dont receive any satisfaction from it all.
Even if i should.

So the past few days, I decided simply not to contact ANYONE, and see who would go out of their way to talk to me for a bit.
I get my friend in the marines, a few people i play games with
My friend up in NY
Both Ryan Chen and Cheng, lol, both of them i spent like each day the past week talking to
My friend in Chicago
And really, that was "Just about it"

To everyone else, and i kinda realized this at this point, I tend to make the effort to contact them. I arrange plans with them to hang out. I go over day by day for their feelings. And for most I dont feel they dont go out of their way to simply message me, or call me. I like the little attention now and then.
I dont like to be the first guy to message or call people anymore, because I always do this, I think to the back of my head that you really dont want me there.

Im soo full of this feeling of being unwanted at times...

Agh
I guess these feelings werent soo true...
I cant even look at the face of you...
A cringe appears on my face...
Was i really that much of a disgrace?